My life is nothing like video games

In the wake of Hillary Clinton calling for a $90-million study on the effects of video games on children, I thought I would take a good hard look at my life:

  1. I have never rounded a corner and found a rocket launcher.
  2. A zombie has never eaten my girlfriend.
  3. If I told someone I smashed my head into the ceiling in the hopes of $10, I would be put away.
  4. I have never stolen a car, raped a woman, and gunned down several policeman in one day.
  5. I dont know how to drive a tank, fly a WWII airplane, or pilot a mechanized robot.
  6. I dont know anyone that has rolled around in a ball and had increasingly larger objects stick to them.
  7. I have never worn night-vision goggles, jumped a ramp in my car or ran so fast i could do a loopty-loop.
  8. I have never hit a baseball over 200 ft, rushed a quarterback, dunked a basketball or hit a golf ball in a straight line.
  9. I have never gone on a road trip, not to mention a quest.
  10. I have never even seen an orc.
  11. I have never had to swing on vines, stand on crocodiles heads, and jump over scorpions as tall as my knee.
  12. I can’t roller-blade worth beans, and definately can’t graffiti walls while doing so.
  13. I can only name a few Princesses, but I don’t think they need to be rescued. And if they did, I am pretty sure I can’t walk there.
  14. I have never been “about to die”, nor ever “shot the food”.
  15. When I pepper a hotdog, it doesn’t freeze for 5 seconds.
  16. I have traveled to many places, but I still haven’t found Carmen Sandiego.
  17. I have never seen a car expel smoke, oil slicks or shoot bullets.
  18. I have never seen a freeway with cars going in both directions, next to a river w/ floating logs and lily pads leaving just enough space for a frog the size of a yugo to make it through.
  19. I have known friends to visit the Oregon Trail and thankfully none died of “exhaustion”, “cholera” or “dysentary”.
  20. I refuse to chase ghosts with my lance while wearing a diaper.
  21. I threw the javelin in college and it didn’t require the use of a pencil.
  22. When I go on vacation I don’t have to worry about mining gold, chopping down trees and building farms while I am gone.
  23. I don’t roam the world collecting items, trying to gain skills and wealth; oh wait…yeah, I guess I do that. But at least I don’t do it while pretending to be a girl.

One thought on “My life is nothing like video games”

  1. #23 nearly cost me a mouthful of beer.

    Ah, the times I had wandering Norrath as a female Dark Elf Shadow Knight — I started the character to play a joke on a friend, but by level 5 I had been given so much free stuff (ph47 l00tz, if you will) I couldn’t just drop her, and ended up playing her to level 54.

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